listentothethunder_x's Xanga

Today's Entry.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:17:57 GMT

Christine is here again and we're doing homeworrkkkkk! Except we're kinda slacking, Facebook is quite distracting. I really do need to do homework and study for my chem exam tomorrow and do the 30 minutes of writing about my comp paper's topic. I still haven't quite picked an issue about nature to write about, I might do something about saving animals. Maybe I'll do one about oil spills! hmmhmm. Okay, today i decided not to go to chem, because my professor wasn't here again and it was optional, because Brock, a Supplemental Instructor was just answering questions, so I decided to stay home and do work. I ate left overs from my dad and started my math homework. I'm almost done with section 4.2, then I have to do 4.3 and I can start on chem. w00tw00t. Kirstie probably isn't going to sleep here tonight, so I'm just going to skip working out and work out on Saturday. I normally take the weekends off to let my muscles recuperate, but if I'm skipping today to get work done, thennnn, yeah.
So after the Chem Society meeting that Christine and I just got back from, I went to my advisor's office and signed up for an appointment at 10:30 on Tuesday morning. I've decided that I'm most likely going to go to Delaware Valley College and do a Zoology major concentration under their Biology program. I hate biology and would much rather major in chemistry, but if I can do the zoology major concentration, then I'm golden. :D I'm super excited. I'm going to miss everyone at Pitt-Johnstown though. That's okay, I can visit some weekends. Or they can visit meeee. I'm so stoked to figure everything out thoughh.
I'm trying to think of how my day went, but nothing really happened. Chrissi got the rest of her stuff; she is officially moving out of my room. I don't know when she's turning in her key, but when she does, I believe Erin will contact me and then I'll ask when/if I should be expecting a new roommate. I would love to have the room to myself. & Anna, my suitemate, is having issues with her roommate, so she's trying to get Adriana to move. Baha, so horrible. Adriana cries all the time now, today she was a wreck all day. I don't knoww, no comment on that situation.
OH! So tell me how Hanna called me today and was ranting about Oscar to me& she told me how she asked Joey if she should message him and ask to start over as friends. Joey's response was something like he doesn't really know, but she could if she wants, and that he doesn't know what's going through Oscar's head so he doesn't know. I almost started bursting into laughter, because he normally gives her advice on what to write in the messages and now he's like ehhh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being conceited, but I've messaged him and Facebook 4 times and e-mailed him likke twice and he hasn't responded, so he's kind of being like Oscar now; he's almost in Oscar's shoes, so now he's probably like "well, I don't like Leandra messaging me, so maybe Hanna shouldn't message Oscar." I don't frickin' frakin' know. Boys. BLEEEEHHHHH! nmdadijfkghalkjghafkjd
Okay, since I really have to catch up in classes, this entry is kind of short, but I'm ending it here. Goodnight!

Every night she cries, dies a little more each time. Say you love me.

Wednesday's Entry.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:45:40 GMT

I really do need to start posting my blogs before I go workout, because today is going to be another one of those two-entries-in-one-day days. Tomorrow it will be fixed! Anywho. So, yesterday(Wednesday) I got up at 8:30 and actually got dressed, unlike all of last week (except Friday) when I wore sweats and hoodies and barely went to any classes. Friday I wore my red& black paid shirt and black skinnies (kinda sort the outfit in my default, but that picture is from I think Sepetember), because I was going to the West football game and to see Joey. Yesterday, I wore

It actually felt weird, because I haven't been all dolled up since two weeks ago. Baha. I went all of my classes, except Chemistry. I was struggling to stay awake in American Political Process and Precalc, but I wasn't going to skip Comp[istion I], because Christine and I had this plan to wear humungo sunglasses we bought at the Dollar Tree and ties, so I had decided that I was gonna skip chem. When we get to Comp, the twins& Dalton weren't there, so it was pointless for our little dress up& we didn't do it. That plan failed. Toward the end of comp, I got a text from Phillip saying that chem was canceled, so I didn't have to skip! I went back to my dorm, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, bullshitted with Kimmy for about a half hour. Then I took a nap from about 2:00 until 4:14. I rolled out of bed, got the text from Julie for band, hand-combed my hair and left. Nor Jay or Sarah were in band yesterday, so the middle voices were only Dudley and I. At some point Dudley asked me how I was doing& if my week was going better, and I did this with my hand motion: day: ---- night: \ So pretty much, I'm O.K. during the day, at least on the outside I am, and then I just completely crash at night. In band, we attempted to play "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" yeah, that was god awful, at least when we sight read it was. It got better throughout the period, naturally.
After band I came back to my room, finished copying Christine's Precalc notes that I was missing, and went off to dinner with Kimmy, Christine, and Dan. I had pasta, sausage links (they had breakfast for dinner, but I only wanted the sausage), and tomato basil. It was pretty yummy, but not spectacular. I'm doing well with cutting down my portions and resisting getting seconds& desserts. I'm proud of myself. Bahaha. Last night I kinda failed though, but Kirstie got high, and when she gets high, I have to make her food, so I made her a peanut butter sandwich, and once I opened the peanut butter, I couldn't help but make myself a slice. Anywho. Christine and I worked on precalc in my room again; I like having her company, bahaha. I loves herrr. :D When she left around 10, I went to workout. I did my normal workout: 30 minutes on the elliptical on weight loss level 3, 5 minute stretch break, 30 minutes on the bike weight loss level 3, 100 jumping jacks. Then I showered. I was texting Josh before I hopped in the shower about a project he was working on, and then I texted him when I got out. Now, when I say I got out, I mean, I legit stepped out of the shower, wrapped my hair in a towel, dried my body, wrapped my body in a towel, and picked up my phone and texted him. About two seconds later, Josh knocked on my door. So we stood by my doorway for about 5 minutes having a conversation about his project while I was in a towel. ROFL. That reminds me how Dan is a legs man, so the one day I had just shaved the morning or night before or day of and my legs were super smooth, so Christine, Kimmy, and I were teasing him. He was laying on Chrissi's bed and he was like "I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR LEG. THAT'S CHEATING." Bahaha, he loves his girlfriend so much, it's so cute. But Kimmy and I shoved my leg in his face and he grabbed it and clung onto it. It was so funny! I thought it was gonna start chomping on my leg like a chicken drumstick or something. But yeah, I just thought it was funny, because I guess I'm getting comfortable with my friends/people in my dorm. IDK, anyway, I went to bed. Kirstie was going to go to Evan's, but he decided to be a douche and change his mind at the last minute, so she slept in my room again, but she knocked out when I left at 10. I listened to Mayday Parade's new CD again. It's so amazing, like aahhh<3333 I cried myself to sleep again listening to it& clenching his hat in my hands. It's amazing how song lyrics can sometimes match exactly how you're feeling. I'm so addicted to the album now too. I lovelovelovelovelove Mayday Parade, ever since I first started listening to them, they've been my second/third favorite band. They're actually almost even with The All-American Rejects, so! <33333
About this whole Joey thing. I...don't know. I feel so blehh on the inside all the time and I don't want to do anything ever. I just wanna go to bed and wake up at his house and just gaahh. I know we were only dating for two months, but those two months meant so much and provoked so many deep emotions, it just..it kills me. I know I just have to wait it out now though and see what happens. I hate how he won't even talk to me at all! ughughugh. I don't know, I reallyreally don't. I don't even know how he feels anymore or anything. adknm,ghalkjfghaeklfjbhadilgkhebtkjldngkjh
-deep breath- Kat posted this blog in dedication to me and her friend who is going through a mutual breakup. It made me cry too yesterday, but it was nice, kind of amusing in a weird sense too though. I again wanna thank everyone who's been here for meee. I love you all. My friends are <33. :]

P.S. I'm definitely addicted to this CD.

When you hear this chorus do you miss the way the world was spinning for us? Do you hurt the way that I do?

Math Homework With Christine.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:21:13 GMT

Dreams are quite interesting things. The things that stick out, the things you look up as symbols, are even more interesting. I had a dream last night about Joey:

So somehow Joey and I ended up being roommates, but we still hardly talked. So at this one party we all went to, I was trying to hide around Hanna and likkeee 3 people had big pet turtles with them, I was amazed. Joey spotted us and started to come near, so Hanna and I ran into a store but he found her and gave her this biiiggggg hug, so I skipped around the store to avoid him, but him and Hanna found me anyway. Joey and I started to talk a little bit and we started holding hands and hugging really tight. I was playing with hangers at some point and asked Hanna what was going on and she said something along the lines of "everything is all over the place." Then Joey and I found somewhere to talk and we were being all cuddly and it just worried me, so I backed off, but he kept scooching closer as he told me a story and said that it's not that bad. I was like "wow, you're confident." And at one part when I was hugging him, I was reading his shirt (I think it was yellow?) which said something about me, like something about loving me or not getting over me for a while or something? I don't remember. And then we just kept talking and cuddling and fixing things. There was one part where we were talking and I went to scratched/rub his side and just cling to him like I did three weeks ago at the movies and he was like "EEHHH," like that type of sound you make when you're warning someone not to do something? So I just grabbed at his shirt/chest and cuddled up to him. So suddenly we're in a row at the movie theaters and we're talking to Kenny (the now senior flute player in west's band?) and Joey said that our whole row was reserved, no offense. So Kenny said it was fine, that I (Leandra) had to deal with it all of last yr (when he dated Deena&/Jessica). I guess Joey and I fell asleep at the party place, because we woke up at like 2 in the afternoon, but Hanna had left. Joey was like "SHE DID NOT JUST LEAVE." so we were like zkdjfghadslkfjghdslkfj WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL US? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? and we were walking around. Then "Hide And Seek" by Imogen Heap came on while we were walking, so we held hands and squeezed really tightly. I kissed his hand& I think that's where it ended.

And here are the symbol interpretations from dreammoods.com:

Turtle
To see a turtle in your dream, symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take things slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. Or that you are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in.
Hanger
To see a hanger in your dream, suggests that you are getting the hang of some situation or some task. Or it may mean that you are just hanging in there.
ShirtTo dream of a shirt, refers to your emotions or some emotional situation. The shirt you wear reveals your attitude and level of consciousness about a particular situation.
T-Shirt
To see or wear a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. Alternatively it may represent your honesty especially in your personal relationships. Consider also if there is a design or saying on the t-shirt.
Movie Theater
To dream that you are in a movie theater, indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings/actions distant . You may be protecting yourself from experiencing them.
Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
Left
To dream that you are left behind, represents feelings of rejection or not fitting into a group. It may also highlight fears of not being able to keep up. You are questioning your abilities and/or may not be utilizing your full potential. If you left something or someone behind, indicates that you are ready to let go of the past and move forward.
Songs
To hear or write songs in your dream, indicates that you are looking at things from a spiritual viewpoint. Your future path is a happy one with good health and much wealth. Consider the words to the song that you are dreaming about for additional messages.
Hands
To dream that your hands are clasped or closed, signifies unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement. On a more negative note, it may suggest that you are close-minded, ungiving or unwilling to help.
Hugging
To dream that you are hugging someone, symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate.
Yellow
The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.

I'm not sure if it's because of what I was thinking about last night, how I was going through memories, and my brain just concocted a dream to include everything, or if the symbols really mean what they mean. Well, they do relate pretty well. But yeah. :// I still feel the way I did yesterday, the day before, all last week. I'm just getting better at acting normal, but idk, I do have random moments all the time; Joey's always on my mind, in my heart. Last night I bawled myself to sleep after reading saved texts from him and some of our AIM conversations from when we first started liking each other. sdfkjbndsk;fhladjf;khladm
Classwise, everything was normal, except Malosh was my lab sub today, who I have for Gen Chem II next semester, and it was super confusing! He hardly followed what went on in the procedure Fisanick had us print out. After lab and Kimmy's college algebra and economics classes, her, Christine, Bill, Kerry-James, and I went to dinner. I haaaddddd stuffed shells, chicken nuggest and french fries. It was...alright. Then Christine and I went back to Maple and we sat in the lobby watching Aladdin and attempting to do precalc homeworkk. When that started to epically fail, Josh took us and Harper to Wal*Mart, where I bought Sunny D Mango, bread (peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch tomorrow! err...today? it's 2am.), and the new Mayday Parade CD! At first I was really excited to listen, but when I got back to my room, I read the lyrics in the booklet and was afraid to listen, relate, cry. But so far I've heard the first three songs& I love them, they do exactly what I expected. Oh, Mayday Parade, how I adore you.<3333333 I had a little pow wow with Christine while Kimmy and Dan had a little pow wow. My friends are so great, I really appreciate them so much. <33 When they all booked it around 10, I went to work out, showered& got dressed in really obnoxious orange leggings, purple shorts, orange Team Maple shirt, and orange/purple/black striped socks. I walked down to the LLC with Alison and her new boy to get Kirstie and nowwwww, Kirstie is attempting to sleep in my room, so I'm attempting to quickly finish this blog. We're so nuts around each other, we randomly dance in the middle of my room& twenty minutes ago we were dancing to Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Jump On It."
Alright, I think that's it for now. Wish me luck sleeping. That's okay, as long as I have Joey's hat, I'll be fine.
God, I reallyreallyreally miss Joey. ]:

P.S. I need to start writing these before I work out, that way they post under the proper day.

Torn in two she lies awake. The moon lights up her room like day. Another night she spends alone without his touch, his skin so cold.

The Notion To Puke

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:22:08 GMT

Last night I posted a blog sometime after midnight, so both of these posts are going to be under the same date. Oh well, I can't wait until tomorrow to post this; I was sitting on the floor doing my math home with Kimmy and Christine in my room and I had to get up to type.
This morning was really...I don't know. Kirstie slept in my room last night on Chrissi's old bed. It was interesting having her in here, because she was also a mess over her and Evan's recent break up and crying herself. So I dimmed the lights and let my Joey playlist play. Kirstie was getting a bit delusional due to exhaustion, but we were up until about 2 in the morning anyway. Bahaha, one song came on and we started dancing, but I don't remember what song it was. Anywho, I slept with Joey's hat again, 8th day in a row; I've actually been wearing it all day. I woke up at 7:30 this morning wide awake! Frickin' daylight savings time. Okayokayokay, anywho.
So I went back to sleep and woke up at 8:30, rolled out of bed and started writing my annotated bibliography for University Scholarship class (it's basically a class that teaches you study skills, etc)& Kimmy popped by for a visit before her Composition I class (which ended up being canceled). I skipped American Political Process from 10 'til 10:50, went to Precalc at 11, skipped Comp I from 12 to 12:50, wrote more of my annotated bib, then went to Gen. Chem. I at 1 'til 1:50 and finished my annotated bibliography afterwards. University Scholarship was it's usual handing stuff in and working out of the course packet. Then I had band at 4:30& talked to Dudley about Joey. He said he had the same problem with his ex-girlfriend from last year, who broke up with him over the distance, so if I ever wanted to talk, he'll listen. :D I just love altosaxes, they're always ballinnn. :D MIDDLE VOICES<333 Alright, enough with the band geek stuff.
In the morning, I believe, I took a break from my annotated bibliography, and, like an idiot, read through my saved texts from Joey& bawled. I really...just reallyyyy... As I was just doing my precalc homework when Christine and Kimmy were here, my phone started ringing, so I looked at the name and saw "No Name" and got excited, thinking it was Joey calling from his house. Silly me. When I read the first three digits, "240," I realized it was a debt collector and became upset immediately. That's why i had to hop on here right away, because I've been dying to all day and that just pushed me to it.
Oh, so that precalc test I took on Friday? Yeah, I was thinking about how I was really nervous to go see Joey at the store and how I'd approach him and how he'd probably react while I was taking that exam. I got a 66. But now we're doing trigonometry, which isn't really difficult, so I should be able to bring my grade up in that course with this section.
I guess today wasn't too bad of a Joey-missing day. Okay, who am I kidding, it was pretty much like every other day, but band really helped a lot. I don't know, it really kept me busy and after I told Dudley about it in the beginning of the period, I really didn't think about it that entire hour. When I'm upset&/sick, I feel like it helped me play better, because I'm more determined to not let my weakness get the best of my playing, so, I feel like I got a lot out when playing in band. Not that I'm likkeee super amazing or anything, but I'm just an average french hornist, but it really did help.
After band was dinner, where I realized that I'm going to be leaving my altosaxophones! Dinner was nommy, I was mashed potatoes and chicken with some sort of gravy or sauce on it, and pasta (fettucine noodles and spaghetti?) with parmesan cheese.
Yunno, I feel like typing these blogs on Xanga is like a substitue for talking to Joey on the phone at night, because we normally tell each other everything that happened that day, so this is kind of filling that void I guess.
But yeah, I have to workout in about an hour or in likkee 50 minutes, since it's 9:02 right now. I need to workout, do precalc homework, copy American Political Process notes, and catch up in Chemistry. Since I was sick all last week, plus depressed, I hardly went to any classes, so I need to read chapters 7 and 8 and print out the notes, highlight& write some of my own and make sure I understand the sections. I went to class today and was almost completely lost. I have an exam on chapters 6-8 Friday too, so yeah, this week is catch up on chem week! I also need to do some research on debatable nature topics and write a thesis for comp. Tomorrow I only have precalc and lab, so when I wake up at 8:30, I'll roll out of bed before precalc and do some research for my paper. Then I'll do chemistry tomorrow night and on Thursday.
I still need to look for more colleges in Pennsylvania with Zoology as a major! Maybe I'll do that tonighttttttt, after I work out, after I get majority of my precalc done? Alright, I'm gonna go try to focus and complete some more homework before working out. Wish me luck. :/ Blehhh.

I can't take no more, her tears like diamonds on the floor. And her diamonds bring me down.

Joseph Ryan Ciurlionis 3>

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:57:52 GMT

Yes, I am bringing my Xanga back around. Something has happened and I just can't take it, I need to rant& i feel bad constantly saying the same things over and over to my friends. Although I do thank them all for being there for me, especially Alyssa Mancini, Hanna Tarkhan, Alicia Montano, Kimmy Phillips, Christine George, Josh Sherrid, and Dan Harmon. They have been amazing the past week. So as said in the brief from October 14th (which I completely forgot I posted), I'm absolutely in love with Joey. We started going out on August 18th and it has been the best experience of my life. He is my silly goose, my cutiefayce, my saint, my sleepyhead, my perfect love. If I thought breaking up with Anthony was tragic--that is NOTHING compared to this. I thought I was in love with Anthony, ohmy, I wasn't. I loved him, yes, but I wasn't in love.
I am in love with Joseph, and the fact that he left on Tuesday is killing me. It's killing us. The reason he left is the distance. We're four hours away; I'm a freshman in college at Pitt-Johnstown and he's a senior in high school at Stroudsburg. My father is still exceptionally strict, so when I go home every other weekend, I have to concoct some plan to sneak around and see Joey. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The first two tries didn't work, but three weeks ago this, and this weekend...well, we'll get there.
The first time he attempted talking to my dad was at my graduation party and my dad gave him this long lecture about whoknowswhat, but the answer was no. Joey and I fought through anyway and saw each other often the rest of the summer, until I moved in on his birthday. I know, isn't it horrible? So three weeks ago, Joey broke up with me, because we were nonstop fighting and I was just being stupid and he left. But I fought, I saw him that Saturday (Oct. 10th) and we saw Couples Retreat with Alyssa Mancini and Mike Minarovic. That was nervewracking, let me tell you. He met us at the mall& when we saw each other, we kinda just stood there. He did a hand motion to give him a hug and I went to him; he hugged me so tight and picked me up and kissed me. We held hands and acted almost completely normal at the mall. When we watched the movie, we cuddled and talked and he asked me back out. I talked to my dad on the way back to school that weekend and the lecture still resulted in a no, but for Joey and I, everything was back to normal, everything was perfect again. We were both so happy and it was just...it was perfect.
On Tuesday, he called me, asked me how I was feeling because I was/am sick, and broke up with me. It's because of the distance. He can't handle the distance and he used all these other bullshit reasons like how I deserve better and he wants both of us to find people who are physically there for us. I...I can't. I don't want anyone else besides him and I was on the phone with him for about half an hour just begging him not to go. So this weekend, Friday, I went to the West/Stroudsburg football game with Alicia and Hanna. After the game, we went to see Joey at work. He works at Pet Supplies Plus and worked from 5 'til 10 that night. We got there around 9:30, and Hanna and I sat outside the store waiting for him while the others went to Party City and then waited in the car. When he came out, Hanna said that he seemed to not believe we were there, I don't know, I couldn't look when he first walked out. He stood in front of us and I tapped the sidewalk next to me for him to sit. He let out an aggravated sigh and sat. I told him that I wanted him to break up with me in person. It was a test. If he was able to do it then it was really over and there was nothing for me to even hold onto. If he couldn't, he cared, and I had to do something. He seemed confused and scoffed, as if he couldn't believe I was seriously asking him to do this. He said

"I don't want you to see me anymore?"

He then went on to explain pretty much some of the stuff he said during the breakup on Tuesday. I tried to argue my points and I put my hand on his. He didn't flinch or pull away and his face was unchanged. I thought he smelled good, so I told him that& he laughed and turned his head so I couldn't see his smile. A normal thing he tends to do, hide his goofy smile when I compliment him or do something like kiss his hand or his cheek. He said that he probably smells like cats and dogs, so I buried my head in his chest and smelled him. It was so heartbreaking. His mom came, so it was only like 5 minutes, but he said he would call that night.
Hanna came home with me& when Joey called, Hanna occupied herself with my computer and I laid on my bed talking. He was restating the reasons for breaking up. I was trying to tell him that he could do it, he could handle it, he's been doing it so far and that we could figure it out. I explained to him ways to and he kept saying that he couldn't. He always frequently said

"I love you. I want you more than anything, but I...can't...have you..."

When he said the last 4 words, it sounded like he was forcing it out, like he didn't want to say it. I told him

"Yes you can, I'm right here!"
He replied
"But you're not HERE, that's the thing. You're there."

Ohgod, I'm crying again. But he said that and kept saying that he can't have me and that he can't deal with the distance. And he was saying how it's a personal thing and that it's "destroying" him. He eventually fell asleep on the phone and I haven't heard from him since. I've sent him multiple Facebook messages and e-mails over the past week about how much I miss him and love him, but yesterday I sent him this:
br>"Alright, so I'm at a loss. I know you don't think you can handle the distance and you don't want to try to work this out.
But, I've been looking into schools closer to home with a zoology program. Delaware Valley and Junaita seem really appealing, although Juniata is still three hours, but at least it has zoology as a major. My dad just told me that I have to stick out this year at Pitt-Johnstown& that by mid next semester, I have to come to a decision on what I want to do, where I want to go, and we'll do it.
I don't know what this will do or if it will do anything at all.
& I won't come see you next weekend. (yes, I was working something out to actually take a bus to see you.)Can we at least be friends& whatever happens happens instead of this whole blocking-off-all-communication-with-Leandra thing? :/"

He hasn't replied. I'm such a mess. I can't take this. I miss him, I miss him so much. It's tearing me apart. How can two people who love each other so much not be able to do anything about the obstacle?! Shouldn't there be something we can do? I think about him all the time, I always wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling. How he's getting through this. I want to talk to him. I want to be with him. I miss him, I want him, I love him. I can't do this. I can't take it. I can't. I can't. I can't!
I sleep with his hat every night now. It started on Monday, because I'm sick and then I just couldn't stop having it around me since. Everything seemed fine! we got into a little disagreement about smoking weed last weekend, because I wanted to try getting high, but that was taken care of and I was over it. It was likkeee a one or two night thing, butt, guugdfsklfjaerhdbstfkjdsnghskjl! Monday we were normal, and Tuesday morning/afternoon we were fine! We were fine! Then he came home from school, when to eat dinner and shower, and then he disappeared from AIM for a while. All of a sudden around 9:00pm he calls and...and....aahhhhh. 33x>
I'm such a mess. I can't do this. I love him. I'm in love with him. So in love with him. He's so perfect. He's full of so much love and care and I can't lose that. I can't! I need him. I need him, because I love him so much. I reallyreallyreally do. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I'm actually fighting for him. I have to. I can't give up. I can't. Ohmygodd, I can't do this. I'm holding on with everything I have. And I thought Anthony was hard to get over. This...I can't. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be in school. I don't want anything. I want him, that's it, that's all. I'm so afraid to just let this work itself out. What if I lose him?! He deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on AIM. He doesn't answer my e-mails or messages. I can't take this. I can't. I'm going insane. I love him so much. Sosososososososo much! D': I miss him. I miss him more than anything, more than my mom, more than my old cat.
Our song is about to come on. Think Of You Later (Empty Room) by Every Avenue. I've used those lyrics before in a blog, I know I have, but this seriously applies to us completely. Even Hanna's stepdad agrees. Joey can't even listen to it after our first breakup. When we dropped him off at his house three weeks ago, he went to say goodbye, but stopped himself and said "See you later," relating to the line

"'cause this is 'see you later,' I'm not into goodbyes."

God, I'm such a mess. I just want to talk to him. I want him in front of me. I miss him, I want him, I love him, I'm in love with him.

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling. Spin me 'roun again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening.

Just To Brief, Because I've Once Again Fallen Out Of Xanaga Habits.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:40:10 GMT

College is amazing& I'm absolutely in love with Joey. :D

Grad Party Weekend.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 08:38:16 GMT

CURRENTLY LISTENING:

ARTIST: JUST SURRENDER
ALBUM: STRONGER NOW

Friday was girls's night for Alyssa Evans, Jacqui Hatch and I. They came over around 6-7ish, after the thunderstorm passed and we watched some Michael Jackson on Alyssa's laptop while she fixed her drawing of her and Topher, which she planned to give him for a gift. We ate porkchops and mashed potatoes for dinner, but also pigged out on Dipsy Doodles and Oreos. We played Disney "Scene It?" during which Alyssa was Minnie Mouse, Jacqui was Goofy, and I was Donald Duck! Alyssa won. Eventually we decided to do makeup and looked up tutorials on YouTube. Jacqui did everyone's make up. We wanted colorful styles, because Jacqui needed practice and it's also the style I want to learn how to do, but I need to buy makeup brushes first.
meee:

& me and alyssa evans:

Jacqui did an amazing jobb! :] Then we chilled online and chit-chatted. We ended up watching the Jonas Brother 3D movie and going to bed at like 6:20. We woke up about 5 hours later& Jacqui went home around 12.
Not soon after, Alyssa and I went to Dan's graduation partyyy. That was pretty chill. We ate a little, talked to Steven Vega (his cousin, an alto sax in marching band), and played badminton. Dan also gave out senior pictures and had this memory book for everyone to sign. Alyssa and I left Dan's around three and headed over to Kyle's party, but first, as I was walking out to Alyssa's car, I saw this tall kid standing in front of a red car. I soon realized that the tall kid was Brian Reed and everything in my brain clicked; I was like...Brian...Brian means OHMYGOD JUSTIN! And I broke off into a run and jumped into the car, hugging Justin Sagurton, whom I haven't seen in over a year, and Jason Silverstein, with whom I just graduated. So I sat in the car and talked to them for like ten minutes. I felt really bad keeping Alyssa waiting, but I was just so excited to see Justin. Eventually I got out of Mary, Justin's Camaro, and into Alyssa's Oldsmobile and off we went to Blakeslee. She parked in Kyle's car and we walked over to his grandmother's, where the party was held. On the way over, this little kid in a yellow shirt on a bike stared at me as we were walking! What the hellll?
Oh my lord! Don't even get me started on perverted boyssss! adjfkhbldkjfghdlkjgah. Back to Kyle's party!
When we got there, things were a bit awkward at first, but I had some cake and icecream and everyone chilled in the living room for a bit. Apparently Deidra figured out about the Topher& Kyle, because she asked Alyssa and I about it! But anywho. At some point, the party moved downstairs, and Kyle has these awesome egg like circley chairs! Collin sat on one, Collin being my favorite saxophoneeeee and so I sat on his lap! We texted each other& we tried tickling me! I ended up rolling off of Collin's lap and onto the floor; about a minute later, Collin got off the couch and laid on top of me. Thennnn Brandon started playing really weird music on the TV after a bunch of people played MadGab, so the few of us left inside joined the others out in the backyard. The party decided to talk a walk and we split up into cliques. The first clique was Kyle, Haylee, and Rachael, then it was Topher, Alyssa, and Deidra, and lastly Collin, Brandon, Kylene, and myself. Brandon was on bike though, but he stuck with us. Kyle, I do believe, was busy telling Haylee and Rachael all about him and Topher and all the drama surrounding them. Topher and Alyssa kind of made up, while Deidra stuck around. Kylene, Collin, and I looked through my yearbook. When we got there, the first clique went swimming, the second went on the dock to talk, and the third stayed in the sand for a bit, then ran over to the swings!<3
I love swings sosososo muchhh! They make me feel like I can fly.
So everybody chilled until around 7:50. The party started its way back to Kyle's grandmother's house. Collin and Brandon took forever deciding if they wanted to walk to not, so I waited for them and we ended up taking a different way. Anywho, we get our stuff and leave. Of course I forgot Bianca's yearbook at the house, so we had to go back and get it. But yeah, so Alyssa and I go home and stayed up until 2 in the morning. Then we laid down and had a good talk with a few laughs. It was really nice. TELL ME HOW, Kyle tells me that his mother said I was all over Collin, meanwhile it was actually Collin attached to my hip. Even Valerie said that it's typical Collin behavior! Argh.
The next morning, we got up around 9 to get ready for Topher's party. Let me tell you, car rides with Alyssa are hella enjoyable.

The song "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter came on and we blasted the radio and belted the lyrics. Goood time! We got to Topher's at around 11:30, and he made us go around the back! We had to walk through the wet grass and mud. Our shoes need to be cleaned! His mom came outside and talked with us for about half an hour or so, because Topher was late to his own party and went to shower. I really like his mom, she's cool to talk to. OH! Tell me how, when Kyle and Rachael got here, they were allowed to walk through the front? Alyssa and I were like ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS? But whatevs. His party was fun, even though I got like 5 mosquito bites at his house. The entire party went swimming, but Alyssa and I had to go to her house to get clothes to swim in. When we got there, she ranted about the boys, actually, we both ranted, AND I got a tour of her house. I love her room and her Jonas Brothers room. They're puhretty awesomeeee. She has posters everywhere! I wish my dad would let me decorate like that. Then Nate texted me, so I told him everyone was swimming and that we'd meet him at the house. We got there, we swam, we joked around, it was fun. Alyssa and I decided to be daring and swim over to the dock. Nasty shit that was on those dock posts, let me tell youu! Bahahaha. So now, the problem at Topher's party was that Nate was all over me. I would constantly bring up how he's a manwhore etc, but jokingly, even though he knew that I was at least half serious and he would pipe up and go "HEY! I'M NOT A PLAYER." Ha ha ha...riiiiight. I tried resisting, it was veryvery difficult. He would constantly hug me and I was just like aaaahhhh! Brittany Sohle and I had to pop and squeeze everything out of this ingrown hair pimple thing he had. It was huge and had soso much puss in it. I was doing most of the dirty work and holy guhrossness! But it was good for him, because the thing went down a lot. Brittany put hydrogen peroxide on it and a bandaid. They also had sparklers and fireworks at Topher's party, which was puhretty sweet as well. Of course he had food, nomnomnom spanish rice and beans and then later on cake! As Alyssa and I were leaving, Nate carried me off and shoved me in his car, locking me in. Having a brain, I went to the other side, unlocked the door before he ran over and escaped! But of course he put me in some sort of lock/hold and kissed me before I left. Yeah, a really stupid move on my part, I know. But...I know not to expect anything from him at all, so I threw all my feelings out the window and I'm just going to ignore that it happened, because it meant nothing! No matter what he says, I know it meant nothing. So I'm alright.
Alyssa slept over one more night, even though she was supposed to sleep over at Topher's, because Kyle made her feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry, but that's absolute bullshit. She cried while driving. Ahh, it made me so sad. But we came home and chilled and I'm not sure what time we went to bed, but I think it was earlyish. She left the next day, Monday, at 12:30. I miss herrr!

Monday and Tuesday I chilled at home, but Tuesday I was feeling a little artsy. I couldn't decide what to draw. Then, Jonathan Slinger texted me. I asked him if he had any suggestions for my drawing and he said "Mee!" I asked him what picture and he chose his Facebook default. I worked on it all day and night, and then a little bit today. Here's how it came out...
actual picture:
[CLICK 1]
my drawing:
[CLICK 2]
The picture of the drawing is bad quality, because I had to use my webcam, soooo, yeah. But I showed it to Jon today on Stickam and he said he likes it, so yaaaay! Everyone thinks I did a good job on it; I'm happy. Studio Art I class really did teach me something. I think I'm going to try and be artsy more often. Bahaha. I do have pastels now! Hanna bought me those yesterday. :]
Yesterday, I hung out with Hanna and these two Stroudsburg boys I met online through Hanna and Arianna, Forest and Joe. Forest and Arianna are dating now, cuuuute! Anyway. So I went to Hanna's, walking with her from the PCP gate to her house in the pouring rain. We fixed our hair, talked to her stepdad, and waited for the boys to be ready. Forest and Joe picked us up at the gate (it was sunshine warm weather by that time)& off we went. It's so funny, because at stop lights, well, at least at this one, Joe got out of the car, went to the trunk, took out a huge bouncy ball, got back in the car, and bounced it out the window. Bahaha, at one point, Forest took Joe's hat, so Joe attempted to get it back, causing Forest to swerve all over the road. OH MY, Forest does not, or wasn't at least that day, wear his seatbelt when he drives which really bothered Hanna and I, but we didn't say anything. So first stop was Forest's house, where I saw his puppy, Mocha Latte, and his tarantula, Rosy. Yes, his tarantula. It was so weird to hold, because it was fuzzy and, I don't even know, it was so weird but so cool. Then we went inside, because Hanna had to pee and I wanted to see Forest's cat! He cat is so pretty, but she had like...missing skin on the back of her neck. Forest thinks she got caught on something, but she's okay. Poor thing<3. We also listened to his dad tell jokes, which was pretty amusing. During one joke, I guess he just used random names and...

Forest's Dad: "So there are these two Polish guys, Stache and...give me another Polish name..."
Joey: "MOUSTACHE!"

ROFL, I WAS DYINGGGG! I could not stop laughing; Joe thought I was going to stop breathing. Lmao, I think I almost did. That just...made my day, it was so hilarious. After his dad's jokes, we went to get pizza and that's when Hanna bought me pastels and blending sticks. Although I don't have pastel paper, I'm sure I can still use them, or find a store that sells pastel paper around here, and get started! I'm so excited, except I left the pastels at her house, like the idiot I am. She's in Rhode Island for a few days too, so I can't get them back until next week. Boohiss. Back to what we did. We went back to Forest's, pigged out on Sicilian pizza, and then had to go back and get more! But the four of us just dropped off the order and went to Wal*Mart. We were originally going to make mouthgasmic Oreo pie, but since we were running out of time, we just bought Cookie Dough and Peanut Butter Cup ice creams. Next stop was Joe's house, where we munched on ice cream. Nomnomnom! Bahaha, Joe and Forest were like WTF, because I kept sitting on the floor, even though there were chairs right in front of my face at both houses. I don't know, I just like the floor. I feel like I have more room and it's just more comfortable to me. Oh, Joey is ridiculously ticklish, it's so great! :D Bahaha, Joe and I get along really well. As Hanna put it to Arianna "Leandra and Joe hit it off nicely as friends." I agree, we definitely did. Forest is a cool kid too. We got back to PCP half an hour early and messed around with a soccer ball. Then, ten minutes to 8, we ran/walked on and off to Hanna's house, making it home just in time! It was kinda scary, and since I get shortness of breath to begin with when I run, plus my really bad coughing that day, I didn't run a lot. The boys were allowed to stay for half an hour. My cough only got worse, and I took two different types of medicine. Joe measured me& apparently I'm not even up to his nipples, how depressing! Then Forest stood in front of me. Holy intimidation looking up at Forest, rofl. They're both around 6'3" and I'm 4'10". Jeeeeeesus! At 8:30 they had to leave and we all hugged goodbye (Joey picked me up in his hug and I think I might've freaked him out a bit, because I wrapped my legs around him? I can't help it! It's like natural, because I don't like my feet dangling. Oops?) Not too long after Joe and Forest left, Hanna and her step dad, Ken (who still cracks me up beyond belief), dropped me home. I took my medicine and threw up. It was weird, because it was like clear slimy liquidy stuff? I don't know, it was gross and thank god I grabbed a tissue in time. So I had to retake my medicine and this time I downed it with water, because that's what Joe said you're supposed to do. Bahah. EW, tell me how Forest like loves Biology. I HATE Biology, but absolutely love Chemistry. I sound like such a nerd saying that, lmao. Oh wells. Wednesday was so much fun though, it really wassss! :D<33

Todaaay, well, yesterday at this point, since it's 5:18 in the morning...Yesterday, Thursday, I stayed home. Alyssa Mancini came over to give me suggestions on the drawing of Jon and then we just sit and talked. We LESM'd a little and I talked to Joey online. Then, around 9:30, I asked if Jonathan wanted to see the drawing and he said yes. I was sososososo scared to show it to him, I think I almost seriously cried. Bahaha, but we hopped on webcam with each other and I showed him, and he likes it. Then we stayed on webcam and talked to each other while Alyssa Mancini, her little sister Katie, and I played video games. First we played Donkey Konga 2, then Super Smash Brothers Melee. Jon and I had a bet going that I couldn't stay up until 2am with him, which was a piece of cake, because I am normally up past that in the summer, I mean come on, look at the time I'm posting this entry! Jonathan is such a dorkkk! He's so silly, but it's adorable.

Ahhh, shoot me, but I think I started liking him again today. It's so bad. I can't. He just got out of a relationship with a girl and jsadkfghjklasdh. I have college and he still had two years, and I'm just like nonononononono! Especially since he tried to hook Nate and I up? Like what the hell is thaaat?! But aahh, he's so <3. NO. NONONONONONO! We might hang out Saturday or Monday, and to be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared to really like him again. It's ridiculous. I cannot.
ADJKFGHALKJGHLKJDFHALDJKFHAKJ!

I'm okay, but I think I should go to bed now, since it's almost broad daylight. Goooodnight! Err....good morning east coastt!

If you could be the one that will save me, stop driving me crazy. I think it's safe to say that you need me, but you can't believe me. I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, baby, crazy, crazy.

Ack, There Goes A Lung.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:44:41 GMT

My cough will not let up and it's really bad. I can hardly get out a sentence without coughing. I don't think the medicine is doing me much good either. Last night, I was on the phone with Justin Sagurton for +2 hours and he was like "I FEEL SO BAD, YOU NEED A HUG." Bahaha, I <3 him. We haven't had a good conversation in quite a while, so last night was good. Him and Jason Silverstein want to break me out of my house one night, but I doubt that'll happen. I do have to figure out how to hang out though. Ugh, I hate having to lie to my dad to hang out with my guy friends, it's so stupid. I really wish he'd trust& give me a bit more freedom; I'm almost 18.
LESM is almost up to 4, 000 messages! Holyyyyy shitaki mushrooms. LESM-- Long Epic Status Message. LESM consists of me, Sara Huey, Alyssa Mancini, Valerie Bardhi, Kristen Marventano, and Jason Silverstein. We talk about pretty much any and everything, except Jason, he doesn't contribute very much, but I do think he skims it. LESM was started by Sara Huey when she sent us a Messaged with the title Status, because everyone there almost started fighting with Sam Pereira on one of her statuses and she told us not to. It's a pretty Epic message with everything we talk about. And the Long? Well...4, 000 messages and counting?
So last night was pretty mind fucking, to say the least. Nate and I were having a normal conversation and it was really nice. In fact, I think Nate and I need to have normal conversations more often, but at one point in the night, Jon Slinger decided to play matchmaker. Him coming into the conversation was all fine and fun at first, buuuutt

Jonathan Slinger
ohh bay bay!. you two gonna pipe!?
Leandra Boodoo
nate and i?!
in your dreams, maybe. :P

rofl, that just reminded of the time when you freaked out during lunch about how we should date.
Jonathan Slinger
hahahahha =D
it was funnny. and i guess me and you are never ever ever ever ever evere evere eefverever efEVER! hanging outt are wee?
and why in my dreams i could care less if you and him go out though i would like to see both of you happpy!!
Leandra Boodoo
and we are if our plan would not fall apart for onceee! and i suppose i need your phone number if it changed?!
when would you like to hang out? our plans will go through this time, i promise. bahahahahaha.
and awws, thaaanks! :]
Jonathan Slinger
hahaha i doubttt ittt our plans fail!
like EPICLY! I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT!. hah and no its the same nnumber text mee=)
Leandra Boodoo
EPICALLY.
i won't fall asleep this time. lmao. i was going to text you that day, but i didn't wanna seem like a nag :{P
Nathaniel Partis
well, it seems you two have a little predicament. may i suggest sunday at this club in stroudsburg? U21 night is sunday!
Jonathan Slinger
hahaha. nahh nateee you werent supposed to read the abovee!
punkkkk
you should date leandraa.. leandra dont read this!
Nathaniel Partis
hahaha, i dont think she wants too!!! LEANDRA DONT READ THIS!!!!

my bad
Leandra Boodoo
SHIT.
...don't read what? :]

club... isn't that where you're going with alicia or something? i would, but alyssa evans is sleeping overrrr i told you that, you goose!
Nathaniel Partis
yea!! but its every sunday, i think. lol
Leandra Boodoo
correction nate, i don't think you* want to.
we kinda sorta distinguished this earlier in the conversation. :P
Jonathan Slinger
loook what i startedd. seee you both want to!
Nathaniel Partis
exactly!!! lol LEANDRA DONT READ THIS!!!
Leandra Boodoo
you hush, mr. matchmaker over there. :P
Nathaniel Partis
hey, he has a point young lady!!!
Jonathan Slinger
haha goshh nate date leandraa-leandra dont read thattt
and leandra date nate!- nate dont read this!
Leandra Boodoo
YOU TWO.
-smackk-

hayhayhay, mr. nate ol' buddy ol' pal.
you don't wanna. you said so yourself. indirectly.
"at some point i would have"
aaannnnddd
"confused boy who doesn't know what or more specifically who he wants"
your words, not mine.

jon, don't go putting words in my mouth and crazy ideas in my brain! >:O
Jonathan Slinger
i did not put words in your mouth you little punk!
and of course nate would date you. hes amazing. your amazing. perfecttion!:D
Nathaniel Partis
leandra, i would date you. there, those are words and my mouth. haha.

and, they were "i would have given the world to date you"

i wouldnt give the world anymore, because i realized that without that theres nowhere to take you on a date. hahahahaha
Jonathan Slinger
hahahhahaha awhhhh!!!!! nateee!
Nathaniel Partis
YEA!!!!!!
Leandra Boodoo
yoooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu!
we could go to outer space and sail among the stars. :D
ew, okay, i'm being a fgt.
what happened to not knowing what or who you want?

JON -shakes fist violently and texts-
Nathaniel Partis
hahahahahahahahahaha, well, i dont, your just near the top of the list. i would date you
Leandra Boodoo
would and wanting to are two different things. ;] when you figure yourself out you can hit me up with that again and we'll see. :P
Nathaniel Partis
well then. way to shoot me in the foot, im hurt. :(
Jonathan Slinger
nateeee think about ittt!
Leandra Boodoo
well, nate, in all seriousness, i'm sorry. i can't. you really don't know what you want.
you know the notes you've posted.
and we haven't talked in quite a while, except for today, so how i'm on top of your list is beyond me.
like you said, you don't know who you would actually be serious with, because there are other girls that you like and whatnot and would date.
i can't risk that. i don't want another me-emilywoodman thing happening.
plus, i'm going to college and you're moving, so idek. i know we've said before that doesn't matter and i agree for the most part it really shouldn't/wouldn't matter.
but aahhh. idk.
Nathaniel Partis
i know, thats why i understand. and this list is really strange, idk. im thinkin hun, i just know i like u. im sorry i put u through hell
Leandra Boodoo
:]
it's really okay nate. i wish that you figure everything out and do what will make you happiest at the time and in the long run.
Jonathan Slinger
LEANDRA WILL! leandra dont read thiss.
butt natte i know you pretty welll. and you need a breakkk. you need a girlw ho would meet you halfwayyy leandra is perfecttt!

But you can't exactly take a conversation like that seriously when you see things like:

Nathaniel Partis hahaha it means mean. and yea, i guess none of us win. damn. sunday?
Alicia Montano Sunday wat? And no i win cuz im more amazing than you are
Nathaniel Partis to that club!!! and well see that later
Alicia Montano Werd lets go and well see wat that im amazing
Nathaniel Partis yupp
Alicia Montano Well you dont need to see you already know lol
Nathaniel Partis well, i wanna reminder
Alicia Montano Wat kind of reminder?
Nathaniel Partis the kind we are texting about
Nathaniel Partis duh

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe I'm assuming and making an ass out of myself, but who cares? That was all I need to convince myself that I can't take that previous conversation to heart. It wasn't serious. Whatever, I know better than to let myself like him. Last time I liked him it went no where and it was just a bunch of waiting and confusion and yeah, no. Arrghh. I'm okay, I vented to Jon about it last night. Bahaha. Thing with Nate is that he just got out of a rocky relationship and he needs to take a break, no matter how much he's begging for a girlfriend, he is definitely not ready. I mean come on now, a list? A "really strange" list? How do you have a "really strange" list of girls you like? You know...it doesn't even matter and I shouldn't even stress myself with the situation. I'm going to college in August and he is eventually moving to Nazareth; it's pretty pointless for us to get into a relationship. We won't be able to see each other hardly ever and we both will be meeting new people etcetc. I am just going to hold myself off of boys until college, it will just be better for me. Yesyesyes.
I need to clean my room and my bathroom for tomorrow and then get ready to watch Alyssa Mancini's little sister at 1:30. I'll most likely update later tonight and if not, tomorrow morning. [:

So give up, our bodies started kissing in a language we didn't know. Give in, I'm running through your veins like a habit you can't kick. .

Three Hours Of Writing (Damn, I'm Slow).

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:40:10 GMT

It is somewhere in the hour of 9 in the morning. If I try to go back to sleep, I will probably cough up my two lungs. If I stay sitting up and doing something, the coughing is not as bad. I've been wanting to update my blog, but whenever I went to log in, I felt too lazy. Today, that changes, and I will go back to frequent posts. :]
I'm not going to go through the past two months and give every little detail in every single event that happened in my life, but I will definitely summarize. The last entry I wrote was in April, after the indoor guard gymnasium review. A few weeks later, I went to visit the University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown for the first time.

I gathered a lot of information on different activities there, took my placement exams for math and chemistry, and wandered around campus. I like it there; it's peaceful. The buildings are kind of close together, so it won't be too hard to get from class to class. The dorm rooms are a little small, which I don't like, but I'll adapt.
Sunday, May 3rd, was day three of The Bamboozle 2009, which I attended in East Rutherford, New Jersey with Hanna and Arianna! Now this day I must tell in full detail. Bamboozle was my first show everrr! The first band we saw was Thee Armada, who sound a lot better live than on MySpace. Just saying. It was a wonderful experience, they were so lively, I loved it. We met lead singer Josh Caddy and guitarist Bryan. Later on, I also met guitarist Mike. They're a fun bunch. After that, Hanna and Arianna went to see Family Force 5, and I separated to find two of the At Fives, Marissa and Cat.

I met them over by the Fearless Records tent, where I bought Every Avenue, Mayday Parade, and The Maine shirts. I also got a TWLOHA shirt. I walked around with Marissa for a while and we found GUNZ! Marissa smacked my arm going "GUNZ, GUNZ." At the time, he was listening to a band, but when he saw me, his jaw dropped. I went over to him and he could not stop hugging me.

We were talking about what bands each of us were seeing and:

Gunz: "Yeah, but what time is it?"
Me: "Right now?"
Gunz: "Yeah you fuckk!"
Me: -death stare-
Gunz: -silent snicker-

It was great. It absolutely made my life, meeting him. When I got back together with Hanna and Arianna, we watch Owl City, The White Tie Affair, roamed around to find Chris Crocker (which failed), met Sean P. from TWTA, tapped on a guys's shoulder to see if him and his friends were in a band (they ended up being a couple of guys from Honor Bright), saw The Maine (<33333333333333333; I really wanted to meet Garrett, but that didn't happen), watched 3OH!3(whose crowd was a fckn beast! Arianna and I had to go towards the back, because Arianna almost died and we lost Hanna), and Sum 41. We split up again when Hanna and Arianna went to see Hollywood Undead and I went to meet up with Gunz again. They came with me to meet Gunz and then went off. During that little get together, I met another At Five, Carolyn!

I also met another girl from The Gunz Show chat room, Marissa (a different one from the five). Marissa and I stuck around and followed Gunz, getting new The Gunz Show shirts (I haven't worn mine yettt, bahaha). This was when I fucked with Gunz a lot. First, when we were at FTSK's tent (where I also met Ziggy! :D), I knocked Gunz's hat off, but I didn't realize that there was a puddle behind him. He didn't care at first, and he made jokes about his hair. Marissa and I chilled with him for a while, then went to watch Every Avenue. While we were waiting, I took another picture with Gunz and sprayed him with perfume. He was like "HOW AM I GOING TO TALK TO PEOPLE NOW?!" rofll. About five minutes before Every Avenue started, Gunz got on a concession stand line and Marissa and I went up front by the barricade. Gunz walked past us to go backstage and threw a piece of pretzel that clonked Marissa in the head. Hanna and Arianna met back up with us to watch Every Avenue. I think I was most hyped during their performance. It was so amazing. After them, Hanna and Arianna went to watch The Used, who I was planning to see, but I decided to wait on line and attempt to meet The Maine. I really wanted to meet Garrett. I wanted to ask him about the letter I had sent out when Hanna and I decided to write to band members. I wonder if he ever got it. Sighh. When Marissa and I were about twenty feet from the stand, they stopped and Jared and Garret must've tuck and roll'd, because I saw (not met, saw) John Ohhmazing, Pat, and Kennedy. Boo hiss. They had to carry John Ohh away, because he wouldn't leave, it was kind of funny. The next band on my list to see was Taking Back Sunday, but we had some time before they started, so Marissa and I wandered around the merch stands for a while and stopped at Victory Records, meeting Shane from The Scenic. Marissa bought me a shirt and CD. When the time came, we departed and I went to watch Taking Back Sunday by myself. I took a lot of videos and it was simply the best. I always liked Taking Back Sunday, but only knew the album Where You Want To Be and a few songs from other CDs. Now I have all of the old CDs downloaded (I need to buy the album New Again). I absolutely lovelovelove themmm. Adam Lazzara was so funny at Bamboozle; he's a really great guy. I wish I could have met himmmm. I actually just read an interview in this month's AP magazine and posted one of his quotes on Facebook.

"I don't feel vulnerable anymore as far as that goes, really. No. I mean, it's who I am, you know? It's what I do."

I really like that quote, a lot. Anywho. After Taking Back Sunday, I saw a little bit of No Doubt and met up with Hanna and Arianna again. I was going to try to find them in the crowd, but haha, that wasn't going to work. We totally forgot what entrance we came in at, so it took us forever to find her stepdad's car and she got in trouble. ]: It was a fun filled day, nevertheless.
May 9th, a week later, was prom, which was a lot of fun as well, even though I didn't have a date. My dress was like $371, plus $150 for alterations. I love my dress though and received a lot of compliments. Everyone looked absolutely gorgeousssss, oh my! On the bus rides, I sat with Brenton Vales, because he didn't have a date either and since we kinda knew each other, we figured it wouldn't be too awkward. Zac Contopidis and I had multiple plates of the caesar salad, bahaha! The dinner was good and the cheesecake was deliccc, along with the mocktails. I had at least 5 shirley temples. Baha. When the dance music started and everyone got on the floor, Greg Gueiss was like "BOODOO, COME HERE. I need a dance partner! :D"

He had lost his date sometime after dinner and couldn't find her. How that happens is beyond me. Anyway, we were kind of like unofficial dates. We had a lot of fun togetherr, I<33 himmm! At some point, Greg, Sean, Amy and I danced together and were like CHEM CR3WWW! BAHAHAHA. Oh boyy, that night was so much fun! I danced with Alyssa Evans, Topher, Joe, Bishop, Dag& Rafal, and Kyle as well. There's actually this one picture where Kyle and I are dancing and people are staring at us!

ROFL. At least we weren't having sex on the dancefloor as some people were practically doing. We got Lucky Bamboo to take home from prom! I still have mine, actually. :]
One day in May, I think, the guard reunited in Mr. Hughes's classroom to get our sweatshirts. He also gave us a copy of that slideshow he made and we got to take judges tapes and scoring sheets, signs, etc. I haven't watched the slideshow yet, because I know I will bawl just as hard as I did when we watched it as a group. During the meeting, I gave Mr. Hughes my interpretive self-portrait that I completed in art class.

I made myself look like the Keelber Elf :D
Then the rest of May and first half of June was just trying to make it through high school. Actually, May was quite an eventful month. I had two hookups with different people. I know that sounds so ridiculously trashyyy. The first one was with Nate, but there was actually some emotion involved there.://

The second one is disclosed and was really stupid on my part and as much as the guy doesn't want me talking about it on here, I don't want to talk about it either. Gaahh. Any which way, the last day of school was chill. I took heeeeellllaaaa pictures! Then there was the Senior Dinner for marching band which was good as well. I got to see Mr. Hughes again and all the younginssss, like Collin!

On the 14th was Lauren and Greg's graduation party at Blanche Price Park, which was pretty awesome. We took walks, chilled at the basketball courts with a table in the center, pigged out, sat on the swings, played volleyball (which I am deff too short for), kickball, badminton, played in the jungle gym, talked, signed yearbooks; it was just an all around good time.

Although somehow I missed the cutting of the cake? I don't know. The next week was graduation practice and it was rainy& I started getting sickk! Monday, the 15th, I skipped grad practice and went to UPJ to get some more information and my schedule! Here's how that goes:

10-10:50 American Political Process (m/w/f)
11-12:20 College Algebra (tu/th)
12-12:50 Composition 1 (m/w/f)
1-1:50 General Chemistry 1 (m/w/th/f)
2-4:50 General Chemistry Laboratory (tu)
3-3:50 University Scholarship (m)
4:30-5:50 Concert Band (m/w)

Sixteen credits. Ew@ me being placed in College Algebra, I knowww. I didn't do too well on the math placement exams, so I'm going to retake those at orientation. I totally rocked the chem test thoughh! :D I don't know why, but I just couldn't focus on the math test, it was really bad. I think it was because I really needed to use the bathroom. BAHA. But yeah, I'm pretty content with my schedule. No early classes and the only "late"ish class is band on Mondays and Wedesndays, but I don't mind that. I'm super excited. I came back Monday night to attend grad practice the rest of the week. It was rainy, and I got sick (hence the coughing up my lungs comment from the beginning of the entry). Friday, I got my hair cut and my brother came upp! I got choppy layers just past my shoulders, and side bangsss.

Oh lala. Because of this stupid rain we were having all week, graduation was moved from Saturday the 20th, to Sunday the 21st! That wasn't too bad, but everyone was pretty pissed; we wanted to graduate! It was still a little rainy on Sunday, but in the middle of the ceremony, the sun came out and it was warm and niceeee. The speeches were good, and most were short and simple. Winston Gordon's speech was the best. It had so much character and was so funny! He's the bessstttt! I'mma miss him!

Yeahyuh french horns/mellophoness(Topher, Brandon and I)! Tell me how Mr. Searfoss wasn't even at graduation? Mr. Dikeman ran the band, which was fine, but the band didn't sound too great during Pomp and Circumstance. Mr. Dikeman put one of the mics right over the clarinets--not a bright idea. Either way, the ceremony was nice. Afterwards, my brother, dad, Alyssa Mancini and I went to eat at Marita's II, a Mexican restaurant. It really wasn't as good as I expected. :X

So now here I am, sick, wanting to get better by the end of tomorrow. I went to the doctor's on Monday and got medicine, but I don't think it's helping much with the cough. The congestion has cleared up almost completely and my fever comes and goes, but this cough won't let up! The reason I need to be better by the end of Thursday, is because Alyssa Evans and Jacqui Hatch are supposed to be sleeping over Friday (Alyssa is staying through Sunday). We're gonna have a girls's night/weekend. Watch movies, makeup, talk, etcetc. Then Alyssa and I are going to Dan's& Kyle's grad parties Saturday, and Topher's on Sunday.
SPEAKING OF TOPHER AND KYLE. Oh my god. Where do I even start with them? Topher, Kyle, Alyssa, Alicia, and Rachael had a little Truth or Dare makeout session after prom and then Topher, Kyle, Alyssa, and Alicia had this BFWB thing going on. Then it was knocked down to Topher, Kyle, and Alyssa, whom I refer to as the Almighty Trio. All of a sudden, next thing I know, the boys are experimenting?! Say whaaat?! Then Topher has the nerve to yell@ me for judging him, meanwhile this is complete hypocrisy on his part. After, he tells me that he's straight and he's not turned on by guys and he tried it once and didn't like it. Yeah, he puhretty much lied to me. At least that's what Alyssa is telling me. It's absolutely ridic. I wish they'd just come out with it. UGH.
Next and final topic. Boys. They're...ridiculous& I give up on them until college. That's puhretty much all I have to say about that for now, because I really think I need to end this entry sometime today.
Anywho, I can't wait for Alyssa and Jacq to sleep over!

I need to hang out a lot this summer. Mhmhmhmhm!<33

P.S. I can't forget to mention the one time I hung out with Hanna and her family at The Crossings. She asked her stepdad (against my will :P) if I could borrow money, because I only had $20 dollars, and I ended up owing him $186.37 ROFL, NEVER TAKE ME SHOPPING. I paid it all back in likeeee...two months? I had to space it out that way my dad didn't realize the money was missing.
P.P.S. I feel the need to throw in a picture of Nate and I where I mention him, so I'mma do that now. :] The picture is from the senior dinner.

And I've been thinking that I almost feel okay, 'cause I've been dreaming through my wasted summer days.

I Will Remember You.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:41:43 GMT

Gynasium review; guard. I knew I was going to be a mess and cry, because graduating means leaving my girls and leaving the coaches, but I did not know there would other reasons as well. I was able to keep my composure, but after we performed and cleaned up, Mr. Hughes showed us a slideshow he made of the season. He put songs we used this season in there. The song that hit a lot of us was "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. Then after that, he put "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachan, which made everyone cry. After the slideshow, Lisa informed us through tears and broken lines, that she would not be returning to coach colorguard next year. The room grew silent, and she continued to explain, struggling to get the words out, even though she had practiced the speech in her car every day for the past three months. Everyone started crying harder. When she was done, Mr. Hughes said "Okay, so as you know..." and Haylee went "If you tell us that you're leaving, I'm quitting right now." As Mr. Hughes went on with his little speech, he informed us that he was leaving too and everyone's heart just broken even more. Lisa wants to focus on herself and maybe a family. Mr. Hughes needs to get his life in orderly ever since him and Rachel divorced, because she was the only reason he moved to the Poconos. His lease in the house he's at now ends at the end of June. He might even be moving on Ohio. When he was telling us this, he turned to me and goes

"See, this is why you should have gone to Wittenberg. You could live down the road from me."

I broke. It then hurt even more that my dad isn't letting me attend Witt. I mean, I know I'm graduating and everything, but it still affects me greatly that Matt and Lisa won't be coaching at West anymore. I was expecting to be able to randomly be able to pop in to band camp or indoor next year and say hello, maybe even stick around to help a bit, but they won't be there. I wrote Mr. Hughes and Lisa letters for Gynasium review, and Lisa read her entire letter, but Mr. Hughes only read the first page of his. He said that he couldn't finish it, because he would cry. At the end of their speeches, we all just kind of sat there and bawled our eyes out for about an hour. All eleven of us. The nine members and two coaches. Then we tried to give out hugs and no one wanted to move. It hurt too much. Lisa started giving hugs and Haylee said that I was first with Mr. Hughes. I couldn't even look at him, I was so broken. Then he put his arms up like ten feet above my head and we both started laughing and actually hugged. I didn't want to let go. Then he kept yelling at me to not do anything stupid, stay away from the punch, and use protection. Bahahaha. I just buried my head in his armpit and cried. Then when Lisa god around to me, she was like "Ohhhh, Boo!" and I just fell into her arms. We hugged for a long time and she rubbed my back. Everyone that night pretty much cried themself to sleep.
Today, I was able to sorta hold back while getting ready. When I saw Abril in the morning, her eyes were already red and glossy. Emily Woodman ran up to me and I told her not to touch me. Kyle looked at me. Throughout the day, we would all just look at each other, sad, watery-eyed, thinking, until one of us yelled "STOP IT!" It was so depressing. When I got home, I texted Mr. Hughes:

Me: "I should not be home right now D: did you finish reading my letter?"
Hughes: "Yes, made me cry again."
Me: "Awws. D': we were all such a mess in school today."
Hughes: "3rd period was rough because fall for you was on the radio."
Then I told him the whole thing about Rachael, Kyle, Abril, and Emily and I. Poor Mr. Hughes crying. Ughh, I can't believe they won't be here. I love Lisa and Matt!
Lisa was the one with a big warm smile on her face who included herself in our discussion and always waved when walk in. She always had the best storied about her fourth graders. She was the mini motivator, the one whose voice stuck in our heads.
Mr. Hughes. Matthew Sebastian Hughes is seriously my favorite man on Earthh. He's truly my hero. He's been there for me through a lot, both guard and home issues. He's my biggest inspiration. He was always there for me and we gots this mental connection. I am going to miss him most out of everyone, I think. I'm going to try to text and e-mail him often. He needs to give Kyle and I lists of WGI guard he thinks we can make& I might talk to him about buying a sabre. I'll give him the money if he orders it for me? Bahaha. I will convince him. We're getting sweatshirts and DVD copies. I'm going to be bawling so hard. I don't even think I can type anymore, I'm so upset and just got really tired. Maybe I'll finish this later.

This sucks.
It really really does.
It's kind of ridiculous, but we feel like someone just died, that's how upset we are. Mr. Hughes and Lisa are more than just coaches. They're like best friends, family, they know us so well.

edit;;It's 6:14pm, I added a big detail I missed before towards the end, because I was so mixed up before. And, I'm crying again.

Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.