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Christine is here again and we're doing homeworrkkkkk! Except we're kinda slacking, Facebook is quite distracting. I really do need to do homework and study for my chem exam tomorrow and do the 30 minutes of writing about my comp paper's topic. I still haven't quite picked an issue about nature to write about, I might do something about saving animals. Maybe I'll do one about oil spills! hmmhmm. Okay, today i decided not to go to chem, because my professor wasn't here again and it was optional, because Brock, a Supplemental Instructor was just answering questions, so I decided to stay home and do work. I ate left overs from my dad and started my math homework. I'm almost done with section 4.2, then I have to do 4.3 and I can start on chem. w00tw00t. Kirstie probably isn't going to sleep here tonight, so I'm just going to skip working out and work out on Saturday. I normally take the weekends off to let my muscles recuperate, but if I'm skipping today to get work done, thennnn, yeah.
So after the Chem Society meeting that Christine and I just got back from, I went to my advisor's office and signed up for an appointment at 10:30 on Tuesday morning. I've decided that I'm most likely going to go to Delaware Valley College and do a Zoology major concentration under their Biology program. I hate biology and would much rather major in chemistry, but if I can do the zoology major concentration, then I'm golden. :D I'm super excited. I'm going to miss everyone at Pitt-Johnstown though. That's okay, I can visit some weekends. Or they can visit meeee. I'm so stoked to figure everything out thoughh.
I'm trying to think of how my day went, but nothing really happened. Chrissi got the rest of her stuff; she is officially moving out of my room. I don't know when she's turning in her key, but when she does, I believe Erin will contact me and then I'll ask when/if I should be expecting a new roommate. I would love to have the room to myself. & Anna, my suitemate, is having issues with her roommate, so she's trying to get Adriana to move. Baha, so horrible. Adriana cries all the time now, today she was a wreck all day. I don't knoww, no comment on that situation.
OH! So tell me how Hanna called me today and was ranting about Oscar to me& she told me how she asked Joey if she should message him and ask to start over as friends. Joey's response was something like he doesn't really know, but she could if she wants, and that he doesn't know what's going through Oscar's head so he doesn't know. I almost started bursting into laughter, because he normally gives her advice on what to write in the messages and now he's like ehhh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being conceited, but I've messaged him and Facebook 4 times and e-mailed him likke twice and he hasn't responded, so he's kind of being like Oscar now; he's almost in Oscar's shoes, so now he's probably like "well, I don't like Leandra messaging me, so maybe Hanna shouldn't message Oscar." I don't frickin' frakin' know. Boys. BLEEEEHHHHH! nmdadijfkghalkjghafkjd
Okay, since I really have to catch up in classes, this entry is kind of short, but I'm ending it here. Goodnight!
Every night she cries, dies a little more each time. Say you love me. | | |
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I really do need to start posting my blogs before I go workout, because today is going to be another one of those two-entries-in-one-day days. Tomorrow it will be fixed! Anywho. So, yesterday(Wednesday) I got up at 8:30 and actually got dressed, unlike all of last week (except Friday) when I wore sweats and hoodies and barely went to any classes. Friday I wore my red& black paid shirt and black skinnies (kinda sort the outfit in my default, but that picture is from I think Sepetember), because I was going to the West football game and to see Joey. Yesterday, I wore
It actually felt weird, because I haven't been all dolled up since two weeks ago. Baha. I went all of my classes, except Chemistry. I was struggling to stay awake in American Political Process and Precalc, but I wasn't going to skip Comp[istion I], because Christine and I had this plan to wear humungo sunglasses we bought at the Dollar Tree and ties, so I had decided that I was gonna skip chem. When we get to Comp, the twins& Dalton weren't there, so it was pointless for our little dress up& we didn't do it. That plan failed. Toward the end of comp, I got a text from Phillip saying that chem was canceled, so I didn't have to skip! I went back to my dorm, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, bullshitted with Kimmy for about a half hour. Then I took a nap from about 2:00 until 4:14. I rolled out of bed, got the text from Julie for band, hand-combed my hair and left. Nor Jay or Sarah were in band yesterday, so the middle voices were only Dudley and I. At some point Dudley asked me how I was doing& if my week was going better, and I did this with my hand motion: day: ---- night: \ So pretty much, I'm O.K. during the day, at least on the outside I am, and then I just completely crash at night. In band, we attempted to play "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" yeah, that was god awful, at least when we sight read it was. It got better throughout the period, naturally.
After band I came back to my room, finished copying Christine's Precalc notes that I was missing, and went off to dinner with Kimmy, Christine, and Dan. I had pasta, sausage links (they had breakfast for dinner, but I only wanted the sausage), and tomato basil. It was pretty yummy, but not spectacular. I'm doing well with cutting down my portions and resisting getting seconds& desserts. I'm proud of myself. Bahaha. Last night I kinda failed though, but Kirstie got high, and when she gets high, I have to make her food, so I made her a peanut butter sandwich, and once I opened the peanut butter, I couldn't help but make myself a slice. Anywho. Christine and I worked on precalc in my room again; I like having her company, bahaha. I loves herrr. :D When she left around 10, I went to workout. I did my normal workout: 30 minutes on the elliptical on weight loss level 3, 5 minute stretch break, 30 minutes on the bike weight loss level 3, 100 jumping jacks. Then I showered. I was texting Josh before I hopped in the shower about a project he was working on, and then I texted him when I got out. Now, when I say I got out, I mean, I legit stepped out of the shower, wrapped my hair in a towel, dried my body, wrapped my body in a towel, and picked up my phone and texted him. About two seconds later, Josh knocked on my door. So we stood by my doorway for about 5 minutes having a conversation about his project while I was in a towel. ROFL. That reminds me how Dan is a legs man, so the one day I had just shaved the morning or night before or day of and my legs were super smooth, so Christine, Kimmy, and I were teasing him. He was laying on Chrissi's bed and he was like "I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR LEG. THAT'S CHEATING." Bahaha, he loves his girlfriend so much, it's so cute. But Kimmy and I shoved my leg in his face and he grabbed it and clung onto it. It was so funny! I thought it was gonna start chomping on my leg like a chicken drumstick or something. But yeah, I just thought it was funny, because I guess I'm getting comfortable with my friends/people in my dorm. IDK, anyway, I went to bed. Kirstie was going to go to Evan's, but he decided to be a douche and change his mind at the last minute, so she slept in my room again, but she knocked out when I left at 10. I listened to Mayday Parade's new CD again. It's so amazing, like aahhh<3333 I cried myself to sleep again listening to it& clenching his hat in my hands. It's amazing how song lyrics can sometimes match exactly how you're feeling. I'm so addicted to the album now too. I lovelovelovelovelove Mayday Parade, ever since I first started listening to them, they've been my second/third favorite band. They're actually almost even with The All-American Rejects, so! <33333
About this whole Joey thing. I...don't know. I feel so blehh on the inside all the time and I don't want to do anything ever. I just wanna go to bed and wake up at his house and just gaahh. I know we were only dating for two months, but those two months meant so much and provoked so many deep emotions, it just..it kills me. I know I just have to wait it out now though and see what happens. I hate how he won't even talk to me at all! ughughugh. I don't know, I reallyreally don't. I don't even know how he feels anymore or anything. adknm,ghalkjfghaeklfjbhadilgkhebtkjldngkjh
-deep breath- Kat posted this blog in dedication to me and her friend who is going through a mutual breakup. It made me cry too yesterday, but it was nice, kind of amusing in a weird sense too though. I again wanna thank everyone who's been here for meee. I love you all. My friends are <33. :]
P.S. I'm definitely addicted to this CD.
When you hear this chorus do you miss the way the world was spinning for us? Do you hurt the way that I do? | | |
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Dreams are quite interesting things. The things that stick out, the things you look up as symbols, are even more interesting. I had a dream last night about Joey:
So somehow Joey and I ended up being roommates, but we still hardly talked. So at this one party we all went to, I was trying to hide around Hanna and likkeee 3 people had big pet turtles with them, I was amazed. Joey spotted us and started to come near, so Hanna and I ran into a store but he found her and gave her this biiiggggg hug, so I skipped around the store to avoid him, but him and Hanna found me anyway. Joey and I started to talk a little bit and we started holding hands and hugging really tight. I was playing with hangers at some point and asked Hanna what was going on and she said something along the lines of "everything is all over the place." Then Joey and I found somewhere to talk and we were being all cuddly and it just worried me, so I backed off, but he kept scooching closer as he told me a story and said that it's not that bad. I was like "wow, you're confident." And at one part when I was hugging him, I was reading his shirt (I think it was yellow?) which said something about me, like something about loving me or not getting over me for a while or something? I don't remember. And then we just kept talking and cuddling and fixing things. There was one part where we were talking and I went to scratched/rub his side and just cling to him like I did three weeks ago at the movies and he was like "EEHHH," like that type of sound you make when you're warning someone not to do something? So I just grabbed at his shirt/chest and cuddled up to him. So suddenly we're in a row at the movie theaters and we're talking to Kenny (the now senior flute player in west's band?) and Joey said that our whole row was reserved, no offense. So Kenny said it was fine, that I (Leandra) had to deal with it all of last yr (when he dated Deena&/Jessica). I guess Joey and I fell asleep at the party place, because we woke up at like 2 in the afternoon, but Hanna had left. Joey was like "SHE DID NOT JUST LEAVE." so we were like zkdjfghadslkfjghdslkfj WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL US? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? and we were walking around. Then "Hide And Seek" by Imogen Heap came on while we were walking, so we held hands and squeezed really tightly. I kissed his hand& I think that's where it ended.
And here are the symbol interpretations from dreammoods.com:
Turtle
To see a turtle in your dream, symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take things slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. Or that you are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in.
Hanger
To see a hanger in your dream, suggests that you are getting the hang of some situation or some task. Or it may mean that you are just hanging in there.
ShirtTo dream of a shirt, refers to your emotions or some emotional situation. The shirt you wear reveals your attitude and level of consciousness about a particular situation.
T-Shirt
To see or wear a T-shirt in your dream, suggests that you need to take it easy and relax. Alternatively it may represent your honesty especially in your personal relationships. Consider also if there is a design or saying on the t-shirt.
Movie Theater
To dream that you are in a movie theater, indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings/actions distant . You may be protecting yourself from experiencing them.
Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
Left
To dream that you are left behind, represents feelings of rejection or not fitting into a group. It may also highlight fears of not being able to keep up. You are questioning your abilities and/or may not be utilizing your full potential. If you left something or someone behind, indicates that you are ready to let go of the past and move forward.
Songs
To hear or write songs in your dream, indicates that you are looking at things from a spiritual viewpoint. Your future path is a happy one with good health and much wealth. Consider the words to the song that you are dreaming about for additional messages.
Hands
To dream that your hands are clasped or closed, signifies unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement. On a more negative note, it may suggest that you are close-minded, ungiving or unwilling to help.
Hugging
To dream that you are hugging someone, symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate.
Yellow
The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.
I'm not sure if it's because of what I was thinking about last night, how I was going through memories, and my brain just concocted a dream to include everything, or if the symbols really mean what they mean. Well, they do relate pretty well. But yeah. :// I still feel the way I did yesterday, the day before, all last week. I'm just getting better at acting normal, but idk, I do have random moments all the time; Joey's always on my mind, in my heart. Last night I bawled myself to sleep after reading saved texts from him and some of our AIM conversations from when we first started liking each other. sdfkjbndsk;fhladjf;khladm
Classwise, everything was normal, except Malosh was my lab sub today, who I have for Gen Chem II next semester, and it was super confusing! He hardly followed what went on in the procedure Fisanick had us print out. After lab and Kimmy's college algebra and economics classes, her, Christine, Bill, Kerry-James, and I went to dinner. I haaaddddd stuffed shells, chicken nuggest and french fries. It was...alright. Then Christine and I went back to Maple and we sat in the lobby watching Aladdin and attempting to do precalc homeworkk. When that started to epically fail, Josh took us and Harper to Wal*Mart, where I bought Sunny D Mango, bread (peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch tomorrow! err...today? it's 2am.), and the new Mayday Parade CD! At first I was really excited to listen, but when I got back to my room, I read the lyrics in the booklet and was afraid to listen, relate, cry. But so far I've heard the first three songs& I love them, they do exactly what I expected. Oh, Mayday Parade, how I adore you.<3333333 I had a little pow wow with Christine while Kimmy and Dan had a little pow wow. My friends are so great, I really appreciate them so much. <33 When they all booked it around 10, I went to work out, showered& got dressed in really obnoxious orange leggings, purple shorts, orange Team Maple shirt, and orange/purple/black striped socks. I walked down to the LLC with Alison and her new boy to get Kirstie and nowwwww, Kirstie is attempting to sleep in my room, so I'm attempting to quickly finish this blog. We're so nuts around each other, we randomly dance in the middle of my room& twenty minutes ago we were dancing to Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Jump On It."
Alright, I think that's it for now. Wish me luck sleeping. That's okay, as long as I have Joey's hat, I'll be fine.
God, I reallyreallyreally miss Joey. ]:
P.S. I need to start writing these before I work out, that way they post under the proper day.
Torn in two she lies awake. The moon lights up her room like day. Another night she spends alone without his touch, his skin so cold. | | |
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Last night I posted a blog sometime after midnight, so both of these posts are going to be under the same date. Oh well, I can't wait until tomorrow to post this; I was sitting on the floor doing my math home with Kimmy and Christine in my room and I had to get up to type.
This morning was really...I don't know. Kirstie slept in my room last night on Chrissi's old bed. It was interesting having her in here, because she was also a mess over her and Evan's recent break up and crying herself. So I dimmed the lights and let my Joey playlist play. Kirstie was getting a bit delusional due to exhaustion, but we were up until about 2 in the morning anyway. Bahaha, one song came on and we started dancing, but I don't remember what song it was. Anywho, I slept with Joey's hat again, 8th day in a row; I've actually been wearing it all day. I woke up at 7:30 this morning wide awake! Frickin' daylight savings time. Okayokayokay, anywho.
So I went back to sleep and woke up at 8:30, rolled out of bed and started writing my annotated bibliography for University Scholarship class (it's basically a class that teaches you study skills, etc)& Kimmy popped by for a visit before her Composition I class (which ended up being canceled). I skipped American Political Process from 10 'til 10:50, went to Precalc at 11, skipped Comp I from 12 to 12:50, wrote more of my annotated bib, then went to Gen. Chem. I at 1 'til 1:50 and finished my annotated bibliography afterwards. University Scholarship was it's usual handing stuff in and working out of the course packet. Then I had band at 4:30& talked to Dudley about Joey. He said he had the same problem with his ex-girlfriend from last year, who broke up with him over the distance, so if I ever wanted to talk, he'll listen. :D I just love altosaxes, they're always ballinnn. :D MIDDLE VOICES<333 Alright, enough with the band geek stuff.
In the morning, I believe, I took a break from my annotated bibliography, and, like an idiot, read through my saved texts from Joey& bawled. I really...just reallyyyy... As I was just doing my precalc homework when Christine and Kimmy were here, my phone started ringing, so I looked at the name and saw "No Name" and got excited, thinking it was Joey calling from his house. Silly me. When I read the first three digits, "240," I realized it was a debt collector and became upset immediately. That's why i had to hop on here right away, because I've been dying to all day and that just pushed me to it.
Oh, so that precalc test I took on Friday? Yeah, I was thinking about how I was really nervous to go see Joey at the store and how I'd approach him and how he'd probably react while I was taking that exam. I got a 66. But now we're doing trigonometry, which isn't really difficult, so I should be able to bring my grade up in that course with this section.
I guess today wasn't too bad of a Joey-missing day. Okay, who am I kidding, it was pretty much like every other day, but band really helped a lot. I don't know, it really kept me busy and after I told Dudley about it in the beginning of the period, I really didn't think about it that entire hour. When I'm upset&/sick, I feel like it helped me play better, because I'm more determined to not let my weakness get the best of my playing, so, I feel like I got a lot out when playing in band. Not that I'm likkeee super amazing or anything, but I'm just an average french hornist, but it really did help.
After band was dinner, where I realized that I'm going to be leaving my altosaxophones! Dinner was nommy, I was mashed potatoes and chicken with some sort of gravy or sauce on it, and pasta (fettucine noodles and spaghetti?) with parmesan cheese.
Yunno, I feel like typing these blogs on Xanga is like a substitue for talking to Joey on the phone at night, because we normally tell each other everything that happened that day, so this is kind of filling that void I guess.
But yeah, I have to workout in about an hour or in likkee 50 minutes, since it's 9:02 right now. I need to workout, do precalc homework, copy American Political Process notes, and catch up in Chemistry. Since I was sick all last week, plus depressed, I hardly went to any classes, so I need to read chapters 7 and 8 and print out the notes, highlight& write some of my own and make sure I understand the sections. I went to class today and was almost completely lost. I have an exam on chapters 6-8 Friday too, so yeah, this week is catch up on chem week! I also need to do some research on debatable nature topics and write a thesis for comp. Tomorrow I only have precalc and lab, so when I wake up at 8:30, I'll roll out of bed before precalc and do some research for my paper. Then I'll do chemistry tomorrow night and on Thursday.
I still need to look for more colleges in Pennsylvania with Zoology as a major! Maybe I'll do that tonighttttttt, after I work out, after I get majority of my precalc done? Alright, I'm gonna go try to focus and complete some more homework before working out. Wish me luck. :/ Blehhh.
I can't take no more, her tears like diamonds on the floor. And her diamonds bring me down.
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Yes, I am bringing my Xanga back around. Something has happened and I just can't take it, I need to rant& i feel bad constantly saying the same things over and over to my friends. Although I do thank them all for being there for me, especially Alyssa Mancini, Hanna Tarkhan, Alicia Montano, Kimmy Phillips, Christine George, Josh Sherrid, and Dan Harmon. They have been amazing the past week. So as said in the brief from October 14th (which I completely forgot I posted), I'm absolutely in love with Joey. We started going out on August 18th and it has been the best experience of my life. He is my silly goose, my cutiefayce, my saint, my sleepyhead, my perfect love. If I thought breaking up with Anthony was tragic--that is NOTHING compared to this. I thought I was in love with Anthony, ohmy, I wasn't. I loved him, yes, but I wasn't in love.
I am in love with Joseph, and the fact that he left on Tuesday is killing me. It's killing us. The reason he left is the distance. We're four hours away; I'm a freshman in college at Pitt-Johnstown and he's a senior in high school at Stroudsburg. My father is still exceptionally strict, so when I go home every other weekend, I have to concoct some plan to sneak around and see Joey. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The first two tries didn't work, but three weeks ago this, and this weekend...well, we'll get there.
The first time he attempted talking to my dad was at my graduation party and my dad gave him this long lecture about whoknowswhat, but the answer was no. Joey and I fought through anyway and saw each other often the rest of the summer, until I moved in on his birthday. I know, isn't it horrible? So three weeks ago, Joey broke up with me, because we were nonstop fighting and I was just being stupid and he left. But I fought, I saw him that Saturday (Oct. 10th) and we saw Couples Retreat with Alyssa Mancini and Mike Minarovic. That was nervewracking, let me tell you. He met us at the mall& when we saw each other, we kinda just stood there. He did a hand motion to give him a hug and I went to him; he hugged me so tight and picked me up and kissed me. We held hands and acted almost completely normal at the mall. When we watched the movie, we cuddled and talked and he asked me back out. I talked to my dad on the way back to school that weekend and the lecture still resulted in a no, but for Joey and I, everything was back to normal, everything was perfect again. We were both so happy and it was just...it was perfect.
On Tuesday, he called me, asked me how I was feeling because I was/am sick, and broke up with me. It's because of the distance. He can't handle the distance and he used all these other bullshit reasons like how I deserve better and he wants both of us to find people who are physically there for us. I...I can't. I don't want anyone else besides him and I was on the phone with him for about half an hour just begging him not to go. So this weekend, Friday, I went to the West/Stroudsburg football game with Alicia and Hanna. After the game, we went to see Joey at work. He works at Pet Supplies Plus and worked from 5 'til 10 that night. We got there around 9:30, and Hanna and I sat outside the store waiting for him while the others went to Party City and then waited in the car. When he came out, Hanna said that he seemed to not believe we were there, I don't know, I couldn't look when he first walked out. He stood in front of us and I tapped the sidewalk next to me for him to sit. He let out an aggravated sigh and sat. I told him that I wanted him to break up with me in person. It was a test. If he was able to do it then it was really over and there was nothing for me to even hold onto. If he couldn't, he cared, and I had to do something. He seemed confused and scoffed, as if he couldn't believe I was seriously asking him to do this. He said
"I don't want you to see me anymore?"
He then went on to explain pretty much some of the stuff he said during the breakup on Tuesday. I tried to argue my points and I put my hand on his. He didn't flinch or pull away and his face was unchanged. I thought he smelled good, so I told him that& he laughed and turned his head so I couldn't see his smile. A normal thing he tends to do, hide his goofy smile when I compliment him or do something like kiss his hand or his cheek. He said that he probably smells like cats and dogs, so I buried my head in his chest and smelled him. It was so heartbreaking. His mom came, so it was only like 5 minutes, but he said he would call that night.
Hanna came home with me& when Joey called, Hanna occupied herself with my computer and I laid on my bed talking. He was restating the reasons for breaking up. I was trying to tell him that he could do it, he could handle it, he's been doing it so far and that we could figure it out. I explained to him ways to and he kept saying that he couldn't. He always frequently said
"I love you. I want you more than anything, but I...can't...have you..."
When he said the last 4 words, it sounded like he was forcing it out, like he didn't want to say it. I told him
"Yes you can, I'm right here!"
He replied
"But you're not HERE, that's the thing. You're there."
Ohgod, I'm crying again. But he said that and kept saying that he can't have me and that he can't deal with the distance. And he was saying how it's a personal thing and that it's "destroying" him. He eventually fell asleep on the phone and I haven't heard from him since. I've sent him multiple Facebook messages and e-mails over the past week about how much I miss him and love him, but yesterday I sent him this:
br>"Alright, so I'm at a loss. I know you don't think you can handle the distance and you don't want to try to work this out.
But, I've been looking into schools closer to home with a zoology program. Delaware Valley and Junaita seem really appealing, although Juniata is still three hours, but at least it has zoology as a major. My dad just told me that I have to stick out this year at Pitt-Johnstown& that by mid next semester, I have to come to a decision on what I want to do, where I want to go, and we'll do it.
I don't know what this will do or if it will do anything at all.
& I won't come see you next weekend. (yes, I was working something out to actually take a bus to see you.)Can we at least be friends& whatever happens happens instead of this whole blocking-off-all-communication-with-Leandra thing? :/"
He hasn't replied. I'm such a mess. I can't take this. I miss him, I miss him so much. It's tearing me apart. How can two people who love each other so much not be able to do anything about the obstacle?! Shouldn't there be something we can do? I think about him all the time, I always wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling. How he's getting through this. I want to talk to him. I want to be with him. I miss him, I want him, I love him. I can't do this. I can't take it. I can't. I can't. I can't!
I sleep with his hat every night now. It started on Monday, because I'm sick and then I just couldn't stop having it around me since. Everything seemed fine! we got into a little disagreement about smoking weed last weekend, because I wanted to try getting high, but that was taken care of and I was over it. It was likkeee a one or two night thing, butt, guugdfsklfjaerhdbstfkjdsnghskjl! Monday we were normal, and Tuesday morning/afternoon we were fine! We were fine! Then he came home from school, when to eat dinner and shower, and then he disappeared from AIM for a while. All of a sudden around 9:00pm he calls and...and....aahhhhh. 33x>
I'm such a mess. I can't do this. I love him. I'm in love with him. So in love with him. He's so perfect. He's full of so much love and care and I can't lose that. I can't! I need him. I need him, because I love him so much. I reallyreallyreally do. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I'm actually fighting for him. I have to. I can't give up. I can't. Ohmygodd, I can't do this. I'm holding on with everything I have. And I thought Anthony was hard to get over. This...I can't. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be in school. I don't want anything. I want him, that's it, that's all. I'm so afraid to just let this work itself out. What if I lose him?! He deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on AIM. He doesn't answer my e-mails or messages. I can't take this. I can't. I'm going insane. I love him so much. Sosososososososo much! D': I miss him. I miss him more than anything, more than my mom, more than my old cat.
Our song is about to come on. Think Of You Later (Empty Room) by Every Avenue. I've used those lyrics before in a blog, I know I have, but this seriously applies to us completely. Even Hanna's stepdad agrees. Joey can't even listen to it after our first breakup. When we dropped him off at his house three weeks ago, he went to say goodbye, but stopped himself and said "See you later," relating to the line
"'cause this is 'see you later,' I'm not into goodbyes."
God, I'm such a mess. I just want to talk to him. I want him in front of me. I miss him, I want him, I love him, I'm in love with him.
Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling. Spin me 'roun again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening.
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